Illness as an Awareness
Every feeling, symptom, mental or
physical state, together with our overall sense of self or
‘self-state’ is not just something we are aware of.
Its meaning lies in the fact that it
is itself an awareness of
something. Thus
a muscular tension, for example in the form of a tension headache,
though we only be aware of
it as a bodily tension, may itself embody
an awareness of a
particular tension in our lives, relationships or place of work.
Just as a person whose family has been
made homeless or wiped out in a war has good
reasons for feeling ‘sick’
or ‘depressed’, so do all feelings and symptoms have good
reasons. They are not just programmed or mechanical physiological
reactions to or ‘effects’ of external or internal ‘causes’.
Simply to label feelings as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, to
describe ourselves as ‘well’ or ‘unwell’, or to call the way
we feel as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, is to deny the inherent meaning
of all feelings – as an awareness of something beyond themselves.
Symptoms of illness, like dream symbols, are a form of condensed
awareness. Their inherently
positive value and meaning lies in helping us to become more directly
aware of what it is that they themselves are
a condensed or embodied awareness of. Thus digestive problems are a
condensed embodied awareness of an aspect of our lives or lived
experience of the world we find difficult to ‘stomach’ or
‘digest’.
Even though illness is often or mainly
experienced through localised
bodily symptoms (including ‘mental’ states such as a sense of
confusion localised in our heads), every such symptom is also and
always accompanied by a state of consciousness or ‘mood’ that
pervades our entire body
and in this way also affects our entire bodily
sense of self. This bodily
sense of self or ‘self-state’ is itself an undifferentiated
awareness of
what may be many different aspects of our overall life
world that
are difficult or uncomfortable, distressing or disturbing for us –
thus giving rise to a general sense of ‘dis-ease ’. That is why,
in order to find meaning in the overall bodily sense of ‘unwellness’
or ‘dis-ease’ that accompanies a specific illness, it is
necessary first to experience it as
a self-state.
This means giving awareness to how any state of discomfort or
dis-ease, however localised, imparts a specific overall tone, texture
and colour to our subjectively felt body or ‘lived body‘ as
a whole – in this way
lending also a specific tone and colour to our bodily sense of self
or ‘body identity‘ and to our experienced or lived world
as a whole.
To pass from an experience of illness as
‘not feeling ourselves’ to one of ‘feeling another self’ –
a distinct self or ‘self-state’ – means experiencing this
distinct bodily sense of self. The ‘other self’ we experience
through illness however is, by definition, an
experienced self – a self we
are aware of.
Our self as a whole or ‘soul’ on the other hand, is not
essentially any experienced
self, symptom, state of consciousness or ‘self-state’, but rather
the very awareness
of experiencing it. To avoid becoming unconsciously identified with
the self-states and symptoms of dis-ease, it is necessary to identify
with that ‘whole self’ which is nothing but
this awareness – the experiencing
self rather than any
experienced self.
Only within the awareness that is
this self – our ‘awareness self’ – can we in turn feel and
affirm every particular feeling and self we experience or are aware
of.
We are as much aware of our self
as a whole
– our soul – as we are aware of our body
as a whole. Yet the ‘body’ of our whole self or soul – our
awareness self
– is not just our physical body but our
entire life world. For it is
an awareness that embraces everything and ‘every-body’ in our
world, from our immediate present reality and relationships to our
past and future – and ultimately the entire universe.
The second
step in healing ourselves through awareness is therefore to
experience each and every localised bodily sensation or symptom, no
matter how subtle, as
an awareness of
some specific aspect of our larger body – of our life world. Thus
by giving more awareness to a localised muscular tension we can
experience it as
an awareness of a specific tension in our life world. Through a
meditational process of giving awareness to each and every localised
bodily feeling or sensation of dis-ease – no matter how subtle, and
by making sure we attend to each and every region
of our body in the process – we can come to experience each of
these feelings and sensations as
an awareness of some aspect of
our larger body or life world. Through this process we are literally
putting ourselves together – ‘re-membering’ and making whole
that larger body that is our life world as
a whole. By simply granting
awareness to each region of our bodies and each sensation or feeling
of dis-ease or discomfort we experience within it, our overall sense
of dis-ease and overall ‘self-state’ will automatically begin to
alter. For we will feel ever-more pervaded, lightened and healed by
that very self which is the awareness
we grant to our overall self-state –
our body, self and our life world as
a whole.
Two Ways of Responding to
Symptoms
1.
A
personal secretary finds herself stuck in a job with a bullying and
abusive boss. Fearing to express her feelings of irritation, anger
and humiliation ‘face to face’ and ‘face up to’ her boss,
feeling vulnerable in the
face of the unpredictable rage
this might unleash in her boss, and afraid with good reason that it
might be ‘rash’ to risk her job by doing
so, she keeps ‘a straight
face’ in the face of all the bullying. Over time her feelings come
to the surface in her body itself – in the form of an ‘irritating’
and ‘angry’ red skin rash. Lacking a way to ‘face up to’ her
boss, let alone ‘whack him one’ – even though she is itching to
do so – the rash appears on her face, arms and hands. Plagued by
itching, she scratches and irritates her own skin until it blisters
and bleeds
– an activity that provides, unaware to herself, some
satisfaction in releasing her ‘bad blood’ towards her boss. But
her feelings of embarrassment and shame about not being able to face
up to her boss become displaced by shame and embarrassment about the
rash itself. So she goes to her doctor. Not even thinking that asking
her questions about her life world might have any diagnostic
significance, the doctor
is therefore completely blind to the metaphorical meaning
of
her ‘angry rash’. Adopting a conventional medical
approach, the doctor’s
sole interest is in diagnosing the rash as some form of skin disorder
and treating it – and prescribes a cortisone cream. The
problem is that she then becomes dependent on the cream, which far
from helping her to become tougher and more ‘thick-skinned’
emotionally,
has the side-effect of thinning her actual skin surface itself,
making it more
vulnerable to embarrassing sores and bleeding.
Eventually she feels forced to either lash out at her boss and risk
being fired or else to leave her job voluntarily and seek another
boss.
2.
The
same secretary allows herself to fully feel the emotions
of anger, vulnerability,
shame and humiliation she experiences. This means allowing herself to
feel them fully in her body as a whole, neither repressing them nor
being provoked to rashly
reacting
from them. She allows herself to be
angry rather than ‘getting angry’. She also reminds herself that
the pure awareness of an emotion, however intense, is not itself an
emotion or impulse
but something innately emotion- and impulse-free.
Letting herself feel
and
be
angry makes her feel less vulnerable to her boss’s bullying.
Instead the anger transforms itself into an awareness of the bullying
that allows her to see it for what it really is – as the expression
of a deep insecurity and vulnerability in her boss himself. At the
same time, by bearing her anger and feeling it fully in her body, it
transforms into a sense of a different self within her, a self strong
enough to face up to her boss – or to anyone – in a calm,
non-hostile but nevertheless firm and resolute way. By bodying
this
new self through her body language and tone of voice she feels ever
less vulnerable to her boss and instead becomes aware of the
vulnerability behind his bullying. Sensing this, he finds it
strangely more difficult to be as bullying towards her as before. For
now it is he
who is aware of feeling an insecure, vulnerable self behind his
anger. Initially fearing this self, he first intensifies his abusive
bullying, only to find it met by a calm, resolute and firmly toned
response from the secretary. Not being able to provoke her into
‘getting angry’ the secretary is not fired. And being now capable
of bodying her anger through a new inner bearing she no longer needs
to ‘somatise’ it through an angry red facial rash, or fear being
fired.
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