Wilberg on Wednesday - The Illness Is The Cure pt 19/46

Illness as an Awareness

Every feeling, symptom, mental or physical state, together with our overall sense of self or ‘self-state’ is not just something we are aware of. Its meaning lies in the fact that it is itself an awareness of something. Thus a muscular tension, for example in the form of a tension headache, though we only be aware of it as a bodily tension, may itself embody an awareness of a particular tension in our lives, relationships or place of work.

Just as a person whose family has been made homeless or wiped out in a war has good reasons for feeling ‘sick’ or ‘depressed’, so do all feelings and symptoms have good reasons. They are not just programmed or mechanical physiological reactions to or ‘effects’ of external or internal ‘causes’. Simply to label feelings as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, to describe ourselves as ‘well’ or ‘unwell’, or to call the way we feel as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, is to deny the inherent meaning of all feelings – as an awareness of something beyond themselves. Symptoms of illness, like dream symbols, are a form of condensed awareness. Their inherently positive value and meaning lies in helping us to become more directly aware of what it is that they themselves are a condensed or embodied awareness of. Thus digestive problems are a condensed embodied awareness of an aspect of our lives or lived experience of the world we find difficult to ‘stomach’ or ‘digest’.

Even though illness is often or mainly experienced through localised bodily symptoms (including ‘mental’ states such as a sense of confusion localised in our heads), every such symptom is also and always accompanied by a state of consciousness or ‘mood’ that pervades our entire body and in this way also affects our entire bodily sense of self. This bodily sense of self or ‘self-state’ is itself an undifferentiated awareness of what may be many different aspects of our overall life world that are difficult or uncomfortable, distressing or disturbing for us – thus giving rise to a general sense of ‘dis-ease ’. That is why, in order to find meaning in the overall bodily sense of ‘unwellness’ or ‘dis-ease’ that accompanies a specific illness, it is necessary first to experience it as a self-state. This means giving awareness to how any state of discomfort or dis-ease, however localised, imparts a specific overall tone, texture and colour to our subjectively felt body or ‘lived body‘ as a whole – in this way lending also a specific tone and colour to our bodily sense of self or ‘body identity‘ and to our experienced or lived world as a whole.

To pass from an experience of illness as ‘not feeling ourselves’ to one of ‘feeling another self’ – a distinct self or ‘self-state’ – means experiencing this distinct bodily sense of self. The ‘other self’ we experience through illness however is, by definition, an experienced self – a self we are aware of. Our self as a whole or ‘soul’ on the other hand, is not essentially any experienced self, symptom, state of consciousness or ‘self-state’, but rather the very awareness of experiencing it. To avoid becoming unconsciously identified with the self-states and symptoms of dis-ease, it is necessary to identify with that ‘whole self’ which is nothing but this awareness – the experiencing self rather than any experienced self. Only within the awareness that is this self – our ‘awareness self’ – can we in turn feel and affirm every particular feeling and self we experience or are aware of. We are as much aware of our self as a whole – our soul – as we are aware of our body as a whole. Yet the ‘body’ of our whole self or soul – our awareness self – is not just our physical body but our entire life world. For it is an awareness that embraces everything and ‘every-body’ in our world, from our immediate present reality and relationships to our past and future – and ultimately the entire universe.

The second step in healing ourselves through awareness is therefore to experience each and every localised bodily sensation or symptom, no matter how subtle, as an awareness of some specific aspect of our larger body – of our life world. Thus by giving more awareness to a localised muscular tension we can experience it as an awareness of a specific tension in our life world. Through a meditational process of giving awareness to each and every localised bodily feeling or sensation of dis-ease – no matter how subtle, and by making sure we attend to each and every region of our body in the process – we can come to experience each of these feelings and sensations as an awareness of some aspect of our larger body or life world. Through this process we are literally putting ourselves together – ‘re-membering’ and making whole that larger body that is our life world as a whole. By simply granting awareness to each region of our bodies and each sensation or feeling of dis-ease or discomfort we experience within it, our overall sense of dis-ease and overall ‘self-state’ will automatically begin to alter. For we will feel ever-more pervaded, lightened and healed by that very self which is the awareness we grant to our overall self-state – our body, self and our life world as a whole.

Case Example 2

Two Ways of Responding to Symptoms

1. A personal secretary finds herself stuck in a job with a bullying and abusive boss. Fearing to express her feelings of irritation, anger and humiliation ‘face to face’ and ‘face up to’ her boss, feeling vulnerable in the face of the unpredictable rage this might unleash in her boss, and afraid with good reason that it might be ‘rash’ to risk her job by doing so, she keeps ‘a straight face’ in the face of all the bullying. Over time her feelings come to the surface in her body itself – in the form of an ‘irritating’ and ‘angry’ red skin rash. Lacking a way to ‘face up to’ her boss, let alone ‘whack him one’ – even though she is itching to do so – the rash appears on her face, arms and hands. Plagued by itching, she scratches and irritates her own skin until it blisters and bleeds – an activity that provides, unaware to herself, some satisfaction in releasing her ‘bad blood’ towards her boss. But her feelings of embarrassment and shame about not being able to face up to her boss become displaced by shame and embarrassment about the rash itself. So she goes to her doctor. Not even thinking that asking her questions about her life world might have any diagnostic significance, the doctor is therefore completely blind to the metaphorical meaning of her ‘angry rash’. Adopting a conventional medical approach, the doctor’s sole interest is in diagnosing the rash as some form of skin disorder and treating it – and prescribes a cortisone cream. The problem is that she then becomes dependent on the cream, which far from helping her to become tougher and more ‘thick-skinned’ emotionally, has the side-effect of thinning her actual skin surface itself, making it more vulnerable to embarrassing sores and bleeding. Eventually she feels forced to either lash out at her boss and risk being fired or else to leave her job voluntarily and seek another boss.

2. The same secretary allows herself to fully feel the emotions of anger, vulnerability, shame and humiliation she experiences. This means allowing herself to feel them fully in her body as a whole, neither repressing them nor being provoked to rashly reacting from them. She allows herself to be angry rather than ‘getting angry’. She also reminds herself that the pure awareness of an emotion, however intense, is not itself an emotion or impulse but something innately emotion- and impulse-free. Letting herself feel and be angry makes her feel less vulnerable to her boss’s bullying. Instead the anger transforms itself into an awareness of the bullying that allows her to see it for what it really is – as the expression of a deep insecurity and vulnerability in her boss himself. At the same time, by bearing her anger and feeling it fully in her body, it transforms into a sense of a different self within her, a self strong enough to face up to her boss – or to anyone – in a calm, non-hostile but nevertheless firm and resolute way. By bodying this new self through her body language and tone of voice she feels ever less vulnerable to her boss and instead becomes aware of the vulnerability behind his bullying. Sensing this, he finds it strangely more difficult to be as bullying towards her as before. For now it is he who is aware of feeling an insecure, vulnerable self behind his anger. Initially fearing this self, he first intensifies his abusive bullying, only to find it met by a calm, resolute and firmly toned response from the secretary. Not being able to provoke her into ‘getting angry’ the secretary is not fired. And being now capable of bodying her anger through a new inner bearing she no longer needs to ‘somatise’ it through an angry red facial rash, or fear being fired.